


Stan Uris Loving His Cat More Than Anyone Else For Like * Minutes

by Rosalee_Kenneth



Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [7]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Animal Abuse (not really), Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, F/M, Famous Beverly Marsh, Famous Bill Denbrough, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Mentions of The Smurfs, Mixed Media, Other, Social Media, Stan Is Having A Field Day, Stan Is Such A Cat Lady, Stanley Uris Lives, The Losers Hate Stan's Cat, Twitter, YouTube, a solid franchise, animal cruelty, ugly cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23676247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Kenneth/pseuds/Rosalee_Kenneth
Summary: Bill: [offscreen] This would be cute if Stan wasn’t fucking his cat and if his cat wasn’t sent from the lowest circle of Hell.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Stanley Uris & Azreal (you'll get it later)
Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611139
Comments: 28
Kudos: 240





	Stan Uris Loving His Cat More Than Anyone Else For Like * Minutes

**Author's Note:**

> Look me in the eyes and tell me Stan doesn't own a cat. He 100% does and his cat is ofc the Devil.

**Stan Uris Loving His Cat More Than Anyone Else For Like * Minutes**

**1.2M views**

[Ben, Eddie, Mike, and Stan on their podcast ‘Not Famous’]

 **Eddie:** Before we begin, I just need to disclaim that Stan’s cat is sitting on his lap right now so if any of you hear any purring or meowing just know that it’s that saggy piece of fur and not us.

 **Stan** : [offended] Don’t call Azreal a saggy piece of fur, asshole.

 **Ben** : Stan, we’re just telling it as we see it.

 **Mike** : Yeah, man, your cat looks like it got waterboarded with sewage water.

 **Stan:** [coos at Azreal] Don’t listen to them, Azreal. They don’t know how pretty you are.

 **Eddie** : You found your cat in a dumpster, Stan. Your cat is literally trash.

 **Stan** : I didn’t insult you when you crawled through a sewer for 3 fucking hours, did I Eddie? Now shut up.

[Stan pets Azreal lovingly and gives his head a kiss]

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Livestream]

*Azreal is rubbing his head up and down Beverly’s ankle*

 **Beverly** : Stan, get your cat off me before I catch something.

 **Richie** : [picking up Azreal] He has a name, Marsh, use it.

 **Stan** : [taking Azreal from Richie] You mean that name that YOU gave my cat before I even got to get to know him?

 **Richie** : [petting Azreal’s little cat head] What can I say? He looked like an Azreal that minute I laid eyes on him.

 **Ben** : [off-screen] Isn’t Azreal the name of the cat from the Smurfs?

 **Richie** : See, at least someone gets it!

 **Stan** : No, I got it, I just didn’t want my cat to have the same name as a failed wizard’s weird cat sidekick.

 **Richie** : Well now Azreal is your weird cat sidekick, Stan.

 **Stan** : [petting Azreal slowly] Yeah, I guess he is…

***

[Ben, Eddie, Mike, and Stan on The Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon]

 **Jimmy** : Stan, a lot of listeners of your podcast tweet about how much you reference your cat, Azreal. So much so that there’s a Twitter tag that trends every time you post a podcast episode that mentions him. It’s called—

 **Mike, Stan, and Eddie:** [unplanned unison] #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat.

 **Stan** : [blushing slightly] I don’t fuck my cat…let’s get that on the record, I just think that he’s a better companion than these assholes over here who 100% probably started tag.

***

> **Richie Tozier** **✔** **@trashmouthtozier**
> 
> Stan mentioned Azreal a total of 19 times on his podcast Not Famous. I believe that’s a new record. My personal favorite mention of Azreal was “Azreal and I watch Judge Judy together.”
> 
> #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat

> **Mike Hanlon @miketakeyououtlater**
> 
> _replying to @trashmouthtozier_
> 
> Mine was when he said that Azreal locks himself into his freezer
> 
> #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat

> **Ben Hanscom @benthebuilder**
> 
> _replying to @trashmouthtozier @miketakeyououtlater_
> 
> What about when Stan blatantly admitted that he and his cat drink beer together? #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat

> **Eddie Kaspbarak @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @trashmouthtozier @miketakeyououtlater @benthebuilder_
> 
> I liked it when Stan called Azreal his bitch. I feel that was a really underrated moment.
> 
> #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat

> **Stan Uris @stanthemanuris**
> 
> _replying to @trashmouthtozier @miketakeyououtlater @benthebuilder @dontcallme_eds_
> 
> You guys fucking wish someone would love you as much as I love Azreal. Richie’s afraid of marriage, Mike is forever single, Beverly doesn’t allow Ben near her if he has a shirt on, and Eddie has been waiting 3 years for a ring. I’ve rested my case and now I’m going to watch Judge Judy with Azreal.
> 
> #RuiningRelationshipsSince1989

***

[Eddie’s Instagram Story]

*Stan is feeding Azreal toast while eating toast*

 **Stan** : This toast could use some jam.

 **Azreal** : [meows softly]

 **Stan** : Yeah, I know, but I don’t know if I can give you jam.

 **Azreal** : [lays his head on Stan’s hand]

 **Stan** : I could dip your toast in apple juice.

 **Azreal** : [meows]

 **Stan** : Yeah, wet toast is shit.

***

[Bill’s Instagram Story]

*Stan, Richie, Beverly, Eddie, Mike, Ben, and Azreal are all watching The Smurfs*

 **Stan** : [petting Azreal] My Azreal is so much smarter than that son of a bitch.

 **Eddie** : Azreal literally chocked on a walnut 5 minutes ago.

 **Stan** : It’s a difficult nut to chew, Eddie.

 **Richie** : While Gargamel’s Azreal is out here capturing Smurfs on the daily.

 **Stan** : I still don’t think it’s fair to compare my Azreal to a cartoon cat who wants to eat small blue people.

 **Beverly** : Yeah, you’re absolutely right, Stan. Cartoon Azreal is way smarter.

 **Azreal** : [meows aggressively]

 **Stan** : That’s right, Azreal. Tell her off.

***

[Ben, Eddie, Mike, and Stan on their podcast ‘Not Famous’]

 **Eddie** : There is so much fucking cat fur on your shirt right now, Stan.

 **Stan** : [sarcastic] Sorry, is it making your ‘allergies’ act up?

Eddie: I swear to God, I’m deathly allergic to your cat.

 **Stan** : This is all just an excuse to never come to my house.

 **Mike** : Stan, all of us are constantly coming up with excuses so we don’t have to come to your house.

 **Ben** : Last time I visited you Azreal scratched me on the face.

 **Stan** : He gets intimated by you. I think it’s because you’re really attractive, Azreal hates attractive people.

 **Mike** : Yeah, cause he’s ugly as shit.

 **Stan** : I swear to fucking God, Mike—

*ad plays*

***

[Richie’s Instagram Livestream]

*Richie’s phone zooms in on Stan’s phone; Richie is laughing behind the camera*

*Stan’s phone screen shows his Tinder profile; all the photos of him also have Azreal in them*

 **Stan** : I need to know if my potential soulmate is into cats.

 **Richie** : Not even the biggest cat person could be into Azreal.

 **Stan** : If they wanna be my lover, they have to get with my cat.

 **Richie** : Stop, Stan. This is why no one swipes right on you.

 **Stan** : How does this photo not entice them?

*a photo of Azreal and Stan wearing matching cat-framed sunglasses shows up*

 **Richie** : [laughing manically]

***

> **Stan Uris @stanthemanuris**
> 
> I really just want a nice woman who will let me love my cat more than her

***

> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevvyboop**
> 
> Azreal spends half his time hiding in @stanthemanuris ‘s trashcan and yet he still gets to share a bed with him at night. I walk into Stan’s house with the tiniest fucking mud stain on my shoes and he fucking quarantine’s his entire home.

***

> **Richie Tozier** **✔** **@trashmouthtozier**
> 
> Azreal is like the annoying bitch of the gang that no one really wants there yet they still tolerate them because one person is vouching for them. Guess who that one person is?

***

> **Bill Denbrough** **✔** **@puttingthebiinbill**
> 
> Azreal is basically the real life version of the zombie cat from Pet Semetery except uglier. They’re both at the same level of bitchiness though.

***

> **Stan Uris @stanthemanuris**
> 
> My friends are such bitches

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Livestream]

*All the Losers are huddled in Richie’s kitchen*

 **Beverly** : So, Richie started a stove fire…as he does every Friday night, and Azreal, the suicidal bitch he is, literally just jumped into it. And instead of catching on fire and actively dying he just walked out of the flames completely calm. He’s now slightly singed, but literally no damage has happened to him. Try and convince me that Azreal is not the actual devil.

*Beverly moves her camera to Richie’s sofa where Stan is hugging a singed and soot covered Azreal*

 **Stan** : Azreal is not the devil, he’s just…flameproof.

 **Mike** : [offscreen] Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth right now?

 **Richie** : [offscreen] Dude, your cat is like an actual demon.

 **Bill:** [offscreen] Does this mean the bitch is never going to die? Stan, I love you, but not enough to deal with Azreal for the rest of my life.

 **Eddie** : [offscreen] I say we get rid of the cat right this second. Who's with me?

 **Stan** : [defensively] No one is getting rid of Azreal. Have you guys any shame? He literally almost died.

 **Beverly** : [loudly] No, he did not! Stan, your cat is never going to die—he is Satan’s minion.

 **Stan** : So is Richie, yet we still keep him around.

***

[Ben’s Instagram Story]

 **Beverly** : [offscreen] This is really sad.

*Ben zooms in on Stan walking around on the beach with Azreal in those baby backpacks*

 **Beverly** : [offscreen] He literally put a sunhat on that demon.

 **Richie** : [offscreen] Even though he walked into a literal fire and escaped unscathed.

*Stan lowers his head and rests it on Azreal’s little cat head*

 **Bill** : [offscreen] This would be cute if Stan wasn’t fucking his cat and if his cat wasn’t sent from the lowest circle of Hell.

***

**Thanks For Watching**

**Comments:**

**Maya Dixie-Drewlar:**

I love Stan with all my heart, but MY GOD is his cat ugly as shit

_1.2k likes_

**Cagney Grace:**

Alternative Title: The Losers Bullying Azreal For * Minutes Straight

1.6k likes

**Burnt Toaster:**

I love that #LetStanFuckSomethingThatIsntHisCat is an actual hashtag

_842 likes_

**Bill Den-BRO:**

Stan is the definition of a cat person in denial. The cardigans, the curly hair, the necklace glasses, and a cat that lowkey hates him.

_2.3k likes_

**Gina Lass:**

I feel like not enough people are talking about how Azreal literally went through a fire and came out of it 100% fine

_4.2k likes_

**Violet Harmon:**

“This would be cute if Stan wasn’t fucking his cat and if his cat wasn’t sent from the lowest circle of Hell”

This is why I love Bill

_502 likes_

**Sporks Are A Utensil:**

Everyone: Azreal is defo the devil

Stan: I’m sorry, did you say something?

_1.2k likes_

**Lemongrass:**

I think it’s really cute that Richie named Stan’s cat

_238 likes_

**I guess you’re gonna miss the panty raid:**

At this rate Stan is going to find a woman slower than I’m going to find my dad

_3.9k likes_

**Author's Note:**

> Send me suggestions, you spawns of hell  
> \--Azreal 😾


End file.
